By By Michael S. Hill
Staff Writer
Let's pretend for a moment that you don't own a calendar and that you have never understood the concept of time. For instance, if winter was in full swing, you wouldn't know if the month was July or Thursday. See what I'm saying?
Okay, now if you did have this condition, I would still bet my peanuts-by-the-pound salary you could decipher, to the day, no less, when school started.
Ridiculous, you say? Well, the whole scenario is ridiculous, but please just play along …
So there you are, oblivious to time and its complications. People celebrate birthdays and anniversaries while you arrive at work four hours early one day and not at all the next.
But still your children start school on the same day as all the other kids as if nothing were amiss. Why?
Because of all the back-to-school, everything-is-on-sale sales. It's federally mandated in Section 1-2-3 of the National How-To-Run-A-Business Act that if you own or operate any business, to include ANY business, you must have a back-to-school sale.
It's just good business sense. If there is any possible way to tie your business to school, it's a green light.
Going back to school? Half-price on repairs to all foreign-made transmissions, because you have to actually get to the school.
Getting ready for school? Thirty percent off the price of rubbish removal, because you can't get to school if your driveway is blocked by two tons of rubbish.
School back in session? Buy two resuscitators and get one free, because you must breathe to participate in school.
And the sales are always one of three names. There's the plain "Back-to-school Sale"; there's the edgier "Back 2 School Sale"; then there's the No. 2 painted on a man's hairy back, standing in front of a school. (Okay, so I made the last one up, but I bet I'll see that ad in the next few days.)
But like I said, it's just good business sense. One day, when I grow up and become an attorney, I plan to offer discounts to all children for their back-to-school litigation needs.
Which reminds me that I am not yet a grown-up, even though I'm drawing ever nearer to my 10-year I've-Peaked-And-I'm-Kidding-Myself High School Reunion.
I'm not yet a grown-up because I am still in school, which means I am still learning. What I am learning is debatable, but the fact that I am still learning surely means I cannot be an adult yet, and therefore cannot take on conscious-laden chores such as responsibility and accountability.
All kidding aside, my short time here in Atmore has been a learning experience. Responsibility and accountability are in fact two of the requirements of working for a newspaper, or for any organization for that matter.
I graduate from Auburn in December, when I'll immediately become part of another organizationI'll be commissioned as an officer in the Navy. I can only hope I will gain as much satisfaction working for the Navy as I have working for The Advance, and that I'll have the pleasure of meeting people as nice as those I've met here in Atmore.
To say I've enjoyed my stay here would be an understatement. If you can imagine it, I actually looked forward to coming to work in the mornings. Demented, I know, but true.
But sadly, my summer fling with Atmore is nearing its end, and I will bid adieu Aug. 15. I start back at Auburn in a couple of weeks, so I've got to hurry and buy my hose couplings before the Half-Off-All-Hose-Couplings-Back-2-School Sale ends.
Thanks for a great summer.