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By Lloyd Albritton

Columnist

My father told me that when he was discharged from the Army in 1945, he heard rumors about an amazing new invention called the television, but he thought this was something only rich people would ever own. By the early 1950’s several of our neighbors owned a television and our family often visited with these lucky ones to watch the early shows, like The Grand Old Opry, The Honeymooners and The Milton Berle Show. By the mid-1950’s we had our very own television, even before we got an inside bathroom. This was the golden age of television and our little black-and-white set quickly became the centerpiece of family conversation. In those days, we only picked up three network channels on our rooftop antenna. The picture was a little fuzzy, but all the shows were great.
I soaked up enough television trivia over the next 10 years to make me a national treasure. I still remember the words and melodies to all the early western theme songs, like Cheyenne, Sugarfoot and Bronco Lane. I know that Jon Hall played Ramar of the Jungle, who always said, “Willie, get our rifles!” I know that Chester A. Riley’s best buddy was named Gillis, and his wife was Peg, his daughter was Babs, and his son’s name was Junior. I know that Captain Kangaroo also played Clara Belle the Clown on The Howdy Doody Show. I know that Range Rider was played by actor Jock Mahoney and The Rider’s sidekick, Dick West, rode a pinto pony. Dick West later had his own Saturday morning show on television called Buffalo Bill Jr. He was a terrific trick rider.
Range Rider was raised by Indians and wore moccasins instead of cowboy boots and jingling spurs. When he got knocked down by the bad guys, Range Rider could kick his legs and jump right back onto his feet. Range Rider could run and jump over as many as three or four other horses to land in the saddle of his own buckskin. These useless bits of trivia come to me like rolling off a log. My friends are always amazed at the depth of my knowledge of useless television trivia.
Do you know whose face we first see in the Gary Cooper classic western, High Noon? Lee Van Cleef, of course! You didn’t know that? Early television programming was filled with lots of old B-movie western reruns. I could not wait to get home from school each day to watch Howdy Ranger. Western Roundup came on at the same time on another channel, and sorry I could see both shows and be one viewer, I usually chose Howdy Ranger as the show less traveled by. One afternoon I was compelled to watch Western Roundup due to technical difficulties on the Howdy Ranger channel, and, lo-and-behold, an old western came on the air that my father had told me about many times from his teenage days at the movie theater.
This western was about two identical twin brothers. One was mean and lazy and wore a black hat, while the other wore a white hat and did everything his father told him to. The bad brother, whose name was Don, was left-handed, and the good brother, named Bob, was right-handed. When the brothers grew up, the bad one became an outlaw and the good one became a lawman. When the bad brother got captured and put in jail, the good brother dressed up in his clothes (cowboys always wore the same outfits, you see) and went undercover to catch the rest of his brother’s outlaw gang. When the good brother suddenly came under suspicion, he was forced to draw his gun, but he thoughtlessly went for his gun on the wrong side and his gambit was up! Bob got captured by the bad guys, but quickly cut his ropes with a knife he had hidden in his boot. He then captured the whole gang single-handedly. When the bad brother realized the error of his ways, he repented and the family was made whole again. What a great plot!
This particular western movie was one of my father’s favorites from his boyhood days and I had heard him tell the story many times. When the good brother, Don, went for his gun on the wrong side, I suddenly realized that this was the actual Bob-and-Don story my father had told me about so many times. I was excited to beat the band. The dual role was played by Stanley Livingston, later to become one of The Three Mesquiteers. As one of The Three Mesquiteers, Stanley Livingston played the role of Stoney Burke. He always rode a white stallion. His partner, Tucson, dressed in black and rode a black stallion. The third Mesquiteer was a clownish fellow named Lullaby, a ventriloquist with a talking dummy. Lullaby rode a white mule with a ring around one eye. This character was later resurrected as Gene Autry’s famous sidekick, Frog. The role was played by Smiley Burnett, a popular musical performer during that period of time.
I can’t get this stuff out of my head! If Regis Philben had come up with a quiz show on early television trivia, I could’ve be a contender. As it is, such useless information does nothing more than eat up space on my brain’s hard drive and has never served any useful purpose that I can remember. Aside from one or two of my brothers, few people remember most of the early television shows I used to enjoy so much. The oldest shows most people talk about are Friends, Seinfeld and The Sopranos. these days. Virtually no one remembers William Bendix in The Life of Riley, Frances Bavier (Aunt Bea) in Its A Great Life, Richard Crenna in Our Miss Brooks and The Real McCoys, or Love That Bob with funny man Robert Cummins.
It’s hard to find anybody who remembers any further back than The Carol Burnett Show, but I remember Carol when she was a contestant on The Gary Moore Show. I remember Bob Barker from Truth or Consequences, Johnny Carson from Who Do You Trust, and Don Knotts from The Steve Allen Show. I remember when Amos ‘n Andy was hilarious and popular and not thought to be politically incorrect or racist. I still laugh when I think about The Kingfish bellowing, “HOLY MACK’EL DAH ANDY!”
I have a friend who can seemingly remember the words to every song ever written. He can pick his guitar and sing countless old songs all night long without putting anyone to sleep. Now that’s entertainment! That kind of memory is worth something.
As for me, well, all I can do is walk with a stiff leg like Chester (Matt Dillon’s sidekick on Gunsmoke, remember?). And, well, who cares? That kind of useless stuff gets me nuthin’!