An amazing column for you: not as seen on TV

Published 7:10 pm Monday, May 31, 2004

By Staff
Arthur McLean
This is the amazing column that everyone's been talking about. It's the column that will replace nearly every other opinion piece in your kitchen. And now, you have the chance to have a copy of it for your very own.
Yes, my friends, take the hassle out of clipping all those inspirational or heart-warming or just plain good opinion pieces from other newspapers. Say good bye to ink-stained fingers forever, and put those dangerous scissors in the drawer, but please, don't run with them.
Sound vaguely familiar? If you're a night owl or if you've suffered from an occasional bout of insomnia lately, you should have a good idea of what I'm mimicking.
It's those late-night kitchen utensil infomercials and I've had enough of the garbage. I want something that will, no-foolin' make life in the kitchen truly easier.
Would that be the amazing rotisserie cooker? Please, it's an overgrown toaster. How many whole chickens are you going to cook before it falls apart on you? How many whole chickens do you ever cook?
How about this new one I saw the other night. It's this contraption that uses a halogen bulb and a fan to do the cooking for you. For those who really want to know, the thing's called the "Flavor Wave" and its makers claim you can go from frozen to fabulous in "just minutes."
Okay, first let's talk about that "just minutes" claim. Yeah, you can cook it in two hours or "just" 120 minutes. Amazingly, you can take a frozen pizza and have it ready in "just" 10 to 15 minutes. I believe there's this newfangled invention called the oven that will do that trick.
The best part of the show was when they pulled a piece of prime rib out of a tub of liquid nitrogen, which made that meat about 300 degrees below zero. I know I hate waiting for my cryogenically frozen foods to thaw. Of course, the TV cooker took that prime rib to medium rare in "just" minutes (about 120 of them). Maybe there really is hope for Walt Disney's head after all.
This food tanning bed will set you back about $120.
I also love the "Magic Bullet" ads. The bullet actually looks like a giant pill. It's a blender, but in TV land it replaces about 9,000 different kitchen utensils at last count. Here's the best claim on this one. Ol' smiley there on the telly shows us how to make guacamole, salsa, yada yada in "just seconds," with no need to pick up a knife. Okay, if you're like the guy on TV, you don't have to pick up a knife because someone else has already conveniently cut the food down to the proper size for you. Bottom line, it's a $100, small capacity plastic blender.
I think I'll keep that $270. Already have a toaster and an oven has come with every residence I've occupied.
Now if only they'd make a handy dandy thing that cleans your non-dishwasher safe pots and pans. For that I'd be willing to make three easy payments of only…
Arthur McLean is the Editor of the Atmore Advance. He can be reached by calling 368-2123 or by email:

Sign up for our daily email newsletter

Get the latest news sent to your inbox