Here's your local forecast

Published 9:08 am Wednesday, May 18, 2005

By By Lee Weyhrich
A hurricane is probably, definitely, going to happen somewhere at sometime this year. John Ed said so and as we all know weathermen are always, rarely, right.
The storm forecasters change the hurricane forecast every week in the hopes that everyone in south Alabama and Florida will wet their pants.
Every night the news is exactly the same. It's like a formula.
I have gotten to the point I can predict the news before I watch it. Every night there will be a murder, a bad traffic accident and a home that is still flooded from Ivan. After that there is the weather report for tonight and tomorrow (apparently for people without windows) followed by a commercial by Saturn, a commercial by Dodge and then a commercial for some type of medication.
After the commercial break there is the nightly story about the riptides at the beach where we learn the following facts: 1.) The beach is scalloped and that is bad, 2.) If caught in a riptide don't panic, 3.) Swim parallel to the beach (which is scalloped, but not in a good way) and 4.) You shouldn't have been IN the ocean to begin with unless there is a lifeguard on duty, there are no waves and you aren't wearing those inflatable arm thingies.
The news will then go to the weather man who will tell you the forecast and then terrify you into a clean pair of underpants with the hurricane update (there still aren't any signs of one but if one does occur it will be HUGE). Then to lighten the mood the newscasters will tell you a story about a three-legged dog that can surf or some other silly thing.
Then it's time for more commercials for cars that have the ability to make even the goofiest dorkmobile look like a Ferrari.
The message is very clear in these commercials, mud is good for trucks and small under-powered cars will make your hair stand up. Then there is a Hardees commercial, a hygiene commercial and a commercial about the news program you were actually trying to watch before they interrupted the news with a commercial break.
Then it's back to John Ed with the hurricane update. He will tell you there still aren't any but it might be a good idea to build a nuclear fallout shelter and prepare for four horsemen to fly out of the clouds.
Then just in case you still have some fingernails left to bite the anchors make sure you know that there are literally millions of unlisted sexual predators around you. In fact they like to hide in your mailbox and in your bushes.
The last report of the night is usually something like "Why Americans aren't getting enough sleep."
It couldn't possibly have anything to do with that bizarre reoccurring dream you have every night about the sexual-predator-hurricane the size of Texas, driving a Saturn.
Lee Weyhrich is the managing editor of the Atmore Advance. His column appears weekly.

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